Confessions

I don't know what we have, but I know it's different...

I wish I had a dollar for every time I've wanted to whisper something in your ear, or stop scratching your back and just say it. It all began that first night at your apartment (well years before that really but you and I both know that) with the other boys passed out in your living room...you sleeping (snoring lol) while I laid awake next to you all night, blaming my insomnia. It wasn't insomnia. It was me setting limits for myself...saying "ok at 1:40 I'm gonna say it, no more waiting" then "ok at 3:45 I'll say it", and so on. Not knowing what I was going to say, but knowing I was bursting at the seams to say something.

Things aren't so different now. The last time we "talked" it took me hours to accomplish (the same setting time limits scenario played out), and days mentally to prepare. I wrote a script (which of course I didn't follow at all), rehearsed what I would say, and tried to anticipate the worst. When I finally got up the nerve to just say "hey" it was harder than I think you'll ever understand. Don't get me wrong, you're easy to talk to, I'm just very careful what I say around you because I truly care what you think. I present myself as confident and independent, but sometimes I'm unsure and a little scared. Scared you won't ever be ready, or (and this is much worse to me) will be ready to a greater degree than i can ever imagine, and with someone you just met.

I also understand why you're hesitant to get involved with me. I'm "far" away and have always had a certain someone in the background. Well that someone situation has been resolved and the distance is small enough to keep things interesting, fun, and new between us (or at least I think so). We both really like alone time and could benefit from the distance in that sense. I also love how much our mutual friends are endorsing it this time. I think they are finally ready to see you and I happy with someone, and believe maybe we could be that for each other.

I just really wish I could be the girl you let in. I could be the girl you finally give a chance to. I'm trying very hard to be patient, and obviously will continue to since I care enough to write this (and always seem to end up back involved with you somehow). Just know sometimes it isn't easy, but I'm here. This time has already been a lot different (in a good sense) and I just hope it keeps getting better from here.

couldn't help myself this was just too cute

:/

"I am trying not to tell you, but I want to. I'm scared of what you'll say. So I'm hiding, what I'm feeling. But, I'm tired of holding this inside my head." -Colbia Caillat

Happy Anniversary B-more

So I moved to Bmore one year ago today. I'm really proud of the progress I've made in the past year, but kinda confused because today was the first day I didn't really want to come home to the city. I've spent the past few days on the Eastern Shore and though I always complain about how boring it is there, I do miss the quiet and slow-pace of living sometimes.

Who knows what this means....

The times they are a-changin'

"We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person."

-William Somerset Maugham

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

-Reinhold Neibuhr

"And she finally stopped playing their song, when she realized she was dancing alone."

MIA for a bit

I haven't posted on here for a while because I don't really know what to say. The decision regarding my immediate future and living frivolously or being mature, was made for me really. Maturity won. I know this is the best decision in the long run for both parties involved, but that doesn't mean it didn't sting a little. Anyways, I'm back home and in my normal routine: work, work, work, sleep, housework, work again. I am trying to make more time for my friends and for myself even here lately. Blah blah blah.....here's some funny cat/animal pics because they always make me smile no matter what kind of mood I'm in.

the leash one makes me giggle because i once bought a leash for my cat and it went about that well LOL

My vacation is slowly coming to a close and I've got a lot on my mind. I'm struggling between balancing being a responsible and future-oriented adult and wanting to take chances while I'm still young and able to do so.

Most of it was sparked by an e-mail I received from an old boss. It was just a quick life update, until this..

"You've spent a good portion of the last few years making sure everyone else is happy. It might be time for you to take care of yourself. Just a thought."

Ouch....I know it's true, but that comment sent my head into a tailspin. What do I want? What would make me the happiest? And, if I didn't have anyone else's views or feelings to consider, what would I choose?

A friend of a friend here in TX is letting me use her bike today so I can explore the local area a little more since I don't have my car with me. I'm hoping I can sort out some of these thoughts while riding.

Quotes & Pics for Today:

"The worst thing one can do is not to be aware of what one wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering if something could have materialized - and never knowing."
-David Viscott

"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."
-T.S. Eliot

I <3 Texas

9/25/09 - fishing in the Laguna Madre

Grown ups have fun too

So last night I went to my first real happy hour, as in those in attendance were my co-workers and we all came straight from work. Considering this is my first big girl job and I'm the youngest in the whole crew, it was a little intimidating. How much should I drink? How professional of a demeanor do I need to maintain? All these questions were swirling in my head on the rainy drive there.

Much to my surprise.....it was just like college (except maybe minus the shots and hooking up...on my part anyways). Alcohol was flowing, laughs were had, and all the stress we had undoubtedly been under all day at work, relieved. So, to sum up this post....Being a grown up isn't so bad after all. I can still get tipsy and say inappropriate things without being chastised or looked at funny. And the best part..get home safely and not wake up feeling like death because I drank too much.

Texas Vacation

In 13 days I'm flying down to Corpus Christi, TX to spend a week with a good friend. I'm really excited and cannot wait to get down there. I understand it is going to be disgustingly hot (compared to MD right now anyways) but I don't care. Things I'm looking forward to: beach days, clear blue water, giggle fits, sea turtles (!!!!!!), not working, sleeping in, cooking dinners together like we used to, South Padre Island, night out in the city, and much much more.

Currently listening to: Pachuca Sunrise (Alias Remix) by Minus the Bear

A classic Loyka link

I have no idea how he finds these things.......

Favorite Song Right Now